It rarely starts as a plan
Dad has a fall in March. Your sister, who lives ten minutes away, drives him to the GP, then the physio, then picks up his prescriptions on the way home. By July she is doing four trips a week, the rest of you are sending “let me know if I can help” messages, and nobody has said out loud that it isn’t working.
That pattern is very common, and it isn’t anyone’s fault. Help grows slowly, one favour at a time, and the person nearest ends up holding it. The fix is not a big family meeting with a spreadsheet. It’s making the work visible, so the family can share it on purpose.
This guide is about organising the practical help. For anything about your parent’s health, medication or care needs, talk to their GP, a care assessment service or a nurse. Your parent should be part of these decisions wherever they can be.
List the jobs, not the hours
Start by writing down everything that currently gets done, by anyone. Be specific. “Help Dad” can’t be shared; “Tuesday drive to physio, 10:00–11:30” can.
| Kind of job | Examples | Can be done from far away? |
|---|---|---|
| Regular visits | Morning check-in, Sunday lunch, helping with the shower | — |
| Driving | Appointments, the hairdresser, church or the club | — |
| Shopping and meals | Weekly groceries, cooking a few meals for the freezer | — |
| Around the house | Mowing, bins, changing light globes, the gutters | — |
| Paperwork and phone calls | Bills, bookings, chasing referrals, aged care forms | ✓ |
| Keeping company | A phone or video call, a regular chat | ✓ |
Most families are surprised by how long the list is. That surprise is useful: it’s easier to ask for help with “Thursday groceries” than with “everything I do for Mum”.
Share the jobs, not just the days
Some jobs suit some people. Your brother who works in insurance may be glad to own all the paperwork, from interstate. The grandchild with a licence might take the Saturday drive to the shops. A sibling with young children may be better on a weekday morning than a Sunday.
A workable way to divide it:
- Give the far-away siblings the remote jobs: paperwork, bookings, the weekly phone call, ordering groceries online for delivery.
- Put the regular, local jobs on a roster so they rotate between everyone who lives close enough.
- Agree who is the first contact for the GP and other services, and make sure that person tells everyone else.
- Plan some relief for the main carer. Even one weekend a month where someone else covers everything makes a real difference.
Fair here doesn’t mean everyone does the same hours. A sibling who lives four hours away cannot do the Tuesday drive. What helps is that everyone can see what is being done and by whom, so nobody is guessing and nobody is quietly resentful.
A roster everyone can see
Once the jobs are named, put the regular ones on a roster that runs a few months ahead. For a parent who needs a visit most days, a simple shape is:
- Daily check-in (morning, 30 minutes): rotates between the local siblings and any willing grandchildren.
- Weekly shopping (Thursday afternoon): one person, rotating each week.
- Appointments: added as they come up, given to whoever is free that day.
- Sunday lunch: rotates, and anyone else is welcome to come along.
Plan around people’s known commitments. Ask each person which days they can’t do (shift work, school pickups, a holiday in May), rather than asking them to choose days. People asked to choose tend to choose the same convenient ones.
Keep the roster somewhere everyone, including your parent if they’d like, can look at it on their phone. A whiteboard on Dad’s fridge is lovely, but it only helps whoever is standing in Dad’s kitchen.
Talking about it
The hard part is rarely the roster. It’s the conversation that comes before it. A few things that tend to help:
- Have the conversation early, before the main carer is exhausted.
- Start by thanking whoever has been doing most of it, specifically. “You’ve done every physio trip since March.”
- Talk about jobs and days, not about who cares more.
- Agree to look at the roster again in a month. Things change: health, jobs, a new grandchild.
- If it gets stuck, some families find it easier with a neutral person in the room, such as a social worker from the hospital or a family friend.
Money is a separate conversation. Who pays for what, and whether anyone is paid for caring, is worth talking about plainly and writing down, but keep it out of the roster.
Using FairTurns for a family care roster
FairTurns is a free roster app that a family can use for this. One sibling makes an organisation, say “Care for Dad”, and a team for each kind of job: Visits, Shopping, Drives. Click a day on the calendar, set the time (Thursday 2:00–4:00 for shopping), and choose Every week on Thursday. The dates are kept up to 12 months ahead.
Add brothers, sisters and grandchildren by email, or by name only for anyone who would rather not have an account. Press Fill and each date goes to whoever has had the fewest turns, while Turns booked shows how many each person has. That chart often does more for the family conversation than any meeting. When someone moves interstate, Redistribute shares their dates out and shows who gains which date before anything changes.
Anyone going away marks the days they’re away, and Fill leaves them off. A one-off appointment is a single date you add when it comes up. Everyone sees the roster on one link, on any phone. The family care roster page goes into more detail.
With Pro, the family gets an email with the schedule and a reminder before each visit, and with filling by itself switched on, when someone can’t make it, the next person is asked.
Questions
How do we split care for a parent when one sibling lives far away?
Give the distant sibling jobs that can be done from anywhere: paperwork, bookings, online grocery orders and a regular phone call. They can also take a block of local care during a visit home, which gives the main carer a real break.
Should our parent see the roster?
Often yes. Many parents like knowing who is coming and when, and it can make visits feel less like checking up. Ask them, and keep anything private, like medical notes, off the roster.
What if one sibling won’t take any turns?
Make the work visible first. A roster showing every date and who is on it is a calmer starting point than an argument. Then ask for one specific, small job, and build from there.
How far ahead should a family care roster go?
Two to three months for the regular visits and shopping, with appointments added as they are booked. Look at it together each month and adjust as needs change.